neogobion

Quantum of Solace

2008-11-19T18:41:27Z

Its been quite some time since I last had a real conversation with you.
And I don't think you even realise that.
It doesn't matter anyway.

Or does it?
And should it?

That aside, I need a new distraction.

A moment that is lost, is lost forever.

Asam di Gunung, Garam di Laut

2008-10-11T18:42:23Z

Are people taking life too seriously?

Despite the promise of its finity.

Worldly things are meant for distraction.
Those are to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Religion can never go wrong.

I'm nowhere near the idealistic and near-
perfect essence of the focal point of self.

But yet, awake enough to realise the novelty
of such gifts by divinity.

Is that a worse sin? Than to be asleep and
unknowing?

....................

There are many times when I feel like running
away to a distant place, a different time zone,
with expectations and cultures that differ, where
there are no such things as socially constructed
ideas, where everything exists only to the point of
the imagination and where imagination runs deep
and ironically only superficially..

Is there such a place?

At this junction of life, I am not proud to say I am
still obsessed with selfish needs. Needs
that do me more harm than good. Needs that
satisfy me only temporarily like a dream.

And when the dream ends, you are left with
nothing but remorse and regret.

There will be times in life when you won't realise
that what you think is good is bad for you while
what you think is bad is actually good for you.

Sesungguhnya hanya Allah Maha Mengetahui.

There's a reason why He gives and then takes it
away suddenly.
And there's also a reason why He gives and waits
for you to realise the time when you have to stop
taking.

I think the most important thing in life is to be
thankful or bersyukur but it's also the hardest.
We are always unhappy with this and unsatisfied
with that. On a daily basis.

We want to achieve that and do many things in life.
Try out new things, experience new feelings and
emotions, meet new people, discover new places,
gain new insights and the list go on..

*pengsanz*

I have a long list myself..hehe..

But at the end of the day, what matters are those
desires that you seek that will benefit you in the
long run, really long..like afterlife? haha..

Maybe not so long now..soon..

Cause of the existence of dark matter..
And I still want to be an astronaut..:(

I wonder when I will turn 360 degrees.

A Sloth Am I.

2008-09-10T07:57:22Z

I was thinking the other day, that I should stop being bothered by
material possessions and achievements, cause in the end they don't last
and they won't benefit me when I die.

HENCE,

I should be thankful that at least I am able to support myself.
And secondly I shoudn't ask for more and be satisfied with what I already have.

Bersyukurlah..

Betul tak?

On a different note, I have received complains about being uncontactable..Yer ker?
Haha..Probably cause 90% of the time I don't reply msgs and smses and don't pick up
my calls. And I am always missing from meet-ups and so on.

I wonder why myself..>.< hehe..

If you really want to know, its because I am a sloth disguised in human body.
So yes, I am extremely slow in my movement, and I will conserve most of my body
energy to engage in activities that are only essential to my survival. Eg.eating and
shitting. So I will take ages to reply one msg such that when it is the time to reply
yours, 2 days have already elasped and by then I don't see a point in replying..haha..

Btw, sloths are not lazy. They are created that way and in a way they are quite smart.
It's humans who termed them lazy just cause you guys can move faster and indulge
in unnecessary physical activities like replying smses and bloggin. hehehe..

Ok i shall write more.

Lets see. I shall write about me. Thats what a personal blog is for anyway.
So here goes.

5 random/weird things about me:

Number 1
I am the least observant person you will ever know. I don't really pay attention
to my surroundings. Unless I'm on a job that requires me to observe on little
details etc. But under normal circumstances, I would see something and yet
I don't. For instance, if you spot me somewhere, and you see me looking at you,
it might be I am not looking at you, but through you. That means your presence
and existence at that moment are not being registered by my brain. Hehe.
So if u see me, feel free to be the first one to acknowledge, if not don't say I
sombong can. Or you can make a sudden abrupt movement or an exaggerated
facial expression like this,

http://www.rowan-atkinson.com/

then maybe I might notice you.hehe..

Number 2
I jog in my shower. I've always wonder if I'm the only one. Do you jog too?
Its called killing two birds with one stone. You are not only keeping fit and
in shape but you won't even feel like you are sweating! Cause you are
already wet from the shower remember? hehe..

Number 3
I was born left-handed and dyslexic. I am no longer dyslexic or so I think.
Haha. But I do have times of relapses where I can't distinguish left and
right and times when I jumble on long words.
Eg. exaggerate becomes eggexarate.

I also believe because of that, I have a short-term memory, where I forget
things that happened or that were said to me 10 seconds ago. haha..

Number 4
I sleep in the same room as my parents. And I'm not kidding.

Number 5
I love digging my nose. Who doesn't seh?

Oklah..thats about it..
Selamat Berpuasa Semuerrr..

Can I have a sprite of can please?

Forgiveness is Divine

2008-07-10T13:34:50Z

The most important thing in life (of Man) is

to give and take.

Unfortunately, humans or Man are born selfish so there will be cases
where only one party will give while the other takes.
It's hard to be selfless. Most of us are too egoistic and self-centred.
We only think as ourselves as being right.

However, with such negative aspects of human character, comes the ability to
reflect and ponder upon one's own actions. If our actions are indeed right.
Or if we have caused others to be hurt in the process of protecting our rights
and beliefs.

But even sad are those who can't even perform this simple task of reflecting.
To be so fully absorbed in one's own self to the extent of being obsessed with one's
ego. It is as if everything within the Man and him himself are the only righteous, true,
never wrong, never deficit in anyway, always right. Always perfect.

If only God made humans to be perfect.

She's tired of giving and getting nothing in return, not even a sense of appreciation.

While it is clear that none of humankind is even close to being perfect, but of course
excluding those who still refuse to accept this reality (since the Man is too busy being
right and expanding his ever-increasing ego),

most of us have learnt to master one of the best gift given to us, and that simply said
is the power to forgive. Yes, they have learnt to forgive.

They say "To err is human but to forgive is divine".

Indeed, it is divine.

How can a person live his life bearing so much hatred and
having so much grudges against others?
How can a person live each day unforgiving of every little thing that occurs?

How do a person actually becomes so unforgiving and cold-hearted?

It is pitiful for the Man to fail to embrace the fact that humans have a weakness
of making mistakes. But one should learn to accept and, of course

forgive.

Some, clearly, can't.

Which reminds me of an essay I did about a year back.
Topic was "Love in Islam".

In it I wrote (or typed to be exact),

To love means to eradicate negative aspects of the heart such as jealousy, hatred, envy and anger. Instead the heart should be filled with patience, accepting, tolerance and understanding. Only then, can we truly appreciate the beauty of all God’s creation and learn to love them as much as we would love God.

It is important in Islam to cleanse your heart of any negativity and fill it with nothing but purity and sincerity. With the heart cleared of all bad qualities, it is possible to perform activities not for the sake of others but for the sake of God. Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah: “Indeed Allah loves those who repent to him and He loves those who purify themselves.”

The point is to have love is divine. Just as forgiveness is divine.
And when can one have such kind of love?

When one's heart is filled with Ihsan.

The three dimensions of Islam essentially forms the root and essence of a Muslim.
The dimensions being, first, Islam meaning to Submit, second, Iman meaning to have Faith
and lastly, Ihsan which means Sprituality or doing what is beautiful.

The Quran states, “Do what is beautiful! Surely God loves those who do what is beautiful.” (2:195).

Of course at this point of time, the Man will probably not get the point. (Too busy enlarging his ego.)

Which brings me to this,

“The strongest determination of the ego-self and the most difficult to overcome is the delusion that it contains something good or that it deserves some status.”
Qushayri, The Treatise of Qushayri: Early Islamic Mysticism

Ego. Delusion.
Never a good thing to have.

But like I said, we are not perfect.
So to overcome that, fill your heart with lots of love and sincerity.

Love for all other humankind and love for God should not be classified or seen as two totally different entities. In fact, every feeling of love we have towards any object on Earth, be it a person or thing brings you back to loving God, since everything is from Him, and whatever that exists is His creation and hence, His reflection. It is God, who created the notion of love, and even then He is love, He has allowed us to love and be loved in return.

"Since love for other than God derives from love for Him, it ultimately leads to Him.”
William C. Chittick, The Sufi Path of Love: The Spiritual Teachings of Rumi

Hence, to come straight to the point,

to truly love is to have Ihsan, and to have Ihsan is to cleanse of all negativity, to see
the world beautifully as God's creations. And so with Ihsan, comes the willingness to

forgive.

Is it that difficult?

The next time I blog I shall post pictures.
Take care all.

Sedangkan Nabi maafkan umat.

Hopelessly delusional.

2008-04-22T15:21:24Z

One of the many things I love most bout life is that

its full of surprises.

And nothing is better when fate decides
to give u a surprise :)

It jus makes me more confused bout
what I really want

what i need
what i should want
and what is good for me..

haha..

I think the best human bond stays for life
i'm sure those neurons never degenerate.

and even if they try
i'll never let them.

I am hopelessly delusional
and foolishly optimistic.

And i'm loving every single bit of it.

A shoe a day brings a smile to my face

2008-03-31T01:32:09Z

Ok i noe the title sounds a bit mrapek..but anyway!

Yusuf bought me a shoe from topshop yest! and i almost cried of
happiness and total disbelief! mcm nak terkencit pon ader jugak seh!
but i didnt la -.-

hehe..u see, dis is lyk a once in a million time he'll splurge on me
and give in to my cravings..(except for my birthday la) and its not
even bout the shoe, jus him buying me stuff..=)

I AM SO HAPPY! HAHA!

he jus said "u nak beli, beli ah" dis was after we went out of topshop, and after
my usual ramblings and irritatingness of "eeehh lawa sehh kasut tu" and giving
him the eye..hahaha..but under normal circumstances he will ask me to diam n
buat bodo..but yest he said "nak beli, cepat ah b4 i change my mind. i give u 30
mins to go back n try n beli" haha..gileeeerrrr! yeah but i did lorrr!

its worth 83 bucks la..nyehehe *evil face* :D omg i feel so bad but oklah considering
i bot him soccer boots a few wks ago..haha..thank you MUHD YUSUF! *winks*

I suspect he was on drugs yest..hehe tu pasal mcm baik jer smalam..ahahaha..

on a diff note, i have 3 CAs, 1 assignment and 3 essays to do..power la!

and to yanti ~ i keep hearing ur 'emo song of the week' everywer i go..kenaper
tu agaknyer eh? haha..n yest dgn semangat nyer told my frens lagu "bleeding it out"
sedap..only to get laughed at la..next tym u let me hear song mus tell me d title
pls..hahaha..n dtng skolah cepat la!

ok den bye i need to shit!

Shiawase wa sora no ue ni.

You and I = Mutualism

2008-03-18T14:49:57Z

I like =)

The truth is... I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart... and I never really got it back.

-Reese Witherspoon, Sweet Home Alabama

Just you and me now.

2008-02-29T17:19:42Z

I need help.

I want out.

*SCREAMS!*

You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.

neogobion @ 2008-02-14T10:23:00

2008-02-14T03:29:52Z

I wonder why i've been gettin all these vibes and signs..

wonder wonder wonder..

i cant believe i've almost completed my education..it never really dawned upon me,
not as much as it has now..15 years of being in school..and this is it?
it doesn feel lyk it..what are u supposed to feel when u have studied for so long and finally
leaving school forever to enter a somewhat diff entity of having to work for money? haha..
must really sucks huh..anyway, i dont really care much bout having to work..
i'm pretty ok with that..its just that sometimes or act most of the times, dis daes..i kind of feel
disappointed on not going further in school..lyk it wasn spose to end here..that dis was not
expected..although i have figured this out probably a zillion times..i think ive just wasted tons
of my parents money and not gained anything productive from it..

i hate growing..
i love meetin and smilin at random people..
it doesn necessarily mean i'm crazy or has a crush on them..
whenever i smile at strangers, they have this weird expression that they r spose to noe me
but they jus cant remb how, when or where..
haha..
go try it..it'll make you smile even more (:

talking bout toronto over dinner yest with yanti and her friend, bhavna just bring back
memories of the place..
which to me, has lost some of its spark..although i still miss it as much as before..

In midst of the all the goodness lies a tinge of darkness that is enveloped completely but
never explicitly.

i wonder what people 12 hours away from me are doing at this moment..

Time is a perceived, rational quantity veiled from those who are unseeing.

i wonder if there's really any difference..

wonder wonder wonder..

my whole life is probably just about me wondering about this and that but never really
having an absolute, definite answer..on almost everythin..
its just an open-ended journey through and throughout..isnt it?

Can we bring yesterday back around?

neogobion @ 2008-01-07T00:02:00

2008-01-06T17:35:52Z

She is, after all, a happy girl lost in thoughts she no longer recognizes but having faith in the stars that had once chosen her.

It was that moment when it started that every single avenue became a blur.

The tingling feeling of bliss longing yet ironically confusing as what seemed to be remorse; a gentle reminder of existence.

There wasn't any conscience state at which the self could rely on.

Forces of nature shouldn't be defied. The liberty at which lifetime principles dismissed in the face of mere obsession.

Like a guilty responsibility.

Why didn’t it occur to me that it’d come to this?

I’ve been doing lots of cycling these days thanx to sop having bought himself a new bicycle..so much that I think my legs are getting really toned up..not that I’m complaining but it gets really tiring sometimes..i felt like giving up half of the time only to find my legs continue to pedal with sop’s words ringing through my ears,

“Mental Diyana. Mental”,

which by the way got very irritating towards the end..haha..

Right now I am really freaking hungry..omg I really am..and all I think of is pizza at 3am..mrapek..it doesn’t make sense..don’t try to comprehend it..unless…

So anyway, I am so not looking forward to my last semester in sch..if given another chance I would really love to repeat my whole 3 yrs in nus, just cause I’m pretty sure I’ll perform better n push myself harder..

Well, guess some things don't come knocking on your door twice..some things really never happen and never will happen twice no matter how much you want them to..

Aper-aper la..

Lacking good sleep is not really what I need right now..more cycling coming my way in a few hours..

So goot nite and happy new year everysexybody (:

I still want to believe in fate.

neogobion @ 2007-11-08T21:20:00

2007-11-08T13:43:12Z

Todae has been the most unefficient dae ever.
And my life is probably officially screwed up.

I was spose to meet yanti for a haircut appointment at bugis todae at 2.
and gez wad, i woke up at 2! haha..seriously, i didnt noe y i woke up
so late considering i didnt really slept late d nite before..*sighs*
sorry yanti-san..i owe u a big one!

I haven start studyin yet. Worse still i dont even have anythin to study for
this mod which i am totally clueless about. I shud probably go to the
library tmr and zap some stuff from d textbk.

And i have a report to do!! And yes i have not start on anythin yet.

And there's an oral test for Jap tmr which i jus remembered.

I am so tired.....................

There's more to my screwed up life. Too many to mention.

Ironically i still have time to blog bout this..haha..

I should stop making myself miserable.
I feel so wasted.
I cant wait for exams to be over.
I need a holiday.

I need assurance.

So many things in this life are just phases.
In the end, they don't even matter.
Not in the slightest bit.

I still believe in fate.
And you.

Some things don't change not because they don't want to but because they can't.

I should have chosen her over you

2007-10-21T16:42:14Z

“I should have chosen ‘****’ over you.”

I was reading this article and somehow I couldn’t keep the tears from coming.

I wish there was someone here to hug me and tell me things will turn out fine.

Just thought I highlighted some of the points in the article. (http://blog.thirdage.com/?p=292)

“There is another reason why it’s hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him or her you had an incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you.”

“Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.”

“ ‘****’ would have treated me much better than you.”

I'm really hurt. As simple as that. Even if it's a prank. Part of me wants to believe.

I love you baby girl. You'll always be my baby girl.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

2007-10-08T04:56:32Z

As I lay here
And the rain beckons me
The droplets of water
I do not see
Yet there it is
Is this the way back?

There was never a closure
Or was there?
The depth that you made me plunge
Revenge indeed is a sweet deal
Missing is not an option

The redness of my blood
Comparable to his
No clear distinction
Insignificant differences
Tonight, we drink to us

We share the same sky
How far apart can it ever get?

It's probably time to start reading Harry Potter again
From where I left it months ago

The road that never end never really start.

neogobion loves you

2007-09-24T07:45:38Z

Warning : A very long, boring entry which will leave you clueless after you have read it. I seriously have no idea what I'm writing about. So read it on your own accord (:

~ : ~ : ~

When the heart yearns for it, the self reluctantly gives in.

What is love? She asked him.

~ : ~ : ~

For some unaccountable reason, I feel null. It’s like I am void of any possible feelings. Or I have lost the ability to sense any emotions around me. Or the indifference I have to the sentiments of my surroundings.

Sometimes, I feel that I am at the lowest point of my life. Times like this, nothing else matters. I would absorb all that and simply focus my energy to the very essence of the existing setting. And then I ponder. The world doesn’t care. For that very moment when I am ejected out of my comfort zone, everything else remains in a state of normality.

For the past days and weeks, I have been contemplating on which direction I should take. Problem was, the options I had was as ambiguous as the complexity of notions that my brain is currently experiencing. No one knows for sure the mysteries the future promises. I kept asking if I would be brave enough as to take the path laden with risks and burdened by unanswered questions. But will that path lead me to my destination, I will never know. Granted the chance, I would avoid having to settle on one and let fate decide for me, the liability of which still hangs as a far-fetched idea.

So I gathered, with enough conviction, to abide to the current locality that had been laid out for me all that while. I forced myself to have faith in that conclusion, compromising everything else that has appeared in the most peculiar places. As I sealed that distinction, the randomness slowly dissipates. That, I have, although unwillingly, sacrifice. I would not, even if I am pulled towards it, dwell any longer on issues that do not have a direct impact on me. Instead I shall fixate the nature of my conscience to the very thing that I have been neglecting since then.

~ : ~ : ~

When you care about her more than yourself and you miss everything about her when she's not there.

Will you miss me? She asked again.

I will. I'll miss you.

She can feel his grasp. Slowly, gradually diminishing, as she counts the days.

Her heart sank.

The fond memories. No words can do them justice.

Only the heart. Focal point of the self.

The mind tries to reason. A tug of war. A distraction. The indecisiveness.

The existence of time.

Was is just a season?

Why?

Why him?

No answers. Just uncertainty.

Yet she knows. A hundred obstacles. A million satisfaction.

~ : ~ : ~

It was not as difficult as I imagined it to be. The circumstances made it out to be perplexing and far from any hope of ease. But I soon realized that it was not. Abstract it may be, the situation was as organic as any socially constructed pattern. I rendered it to be a commodity for the times ahead, provided everything else worked out according to plan.

Some days I would be reminded of what I had once thought to be potent, but as I am here, it only emphasizes on how immaterial it all was. There was nothing to begin with and as such nothing that can possibly be lost. Or maybe I am wrong. But the silence has made me resolved my uncertainties and inadvertently eradicated any signs of hope. No more, do I want to be remotely rooted to a spot that does not insure me of any benefits. I shall, of course, assume the corruptness of that very covenant that had started all this. This I shall emphasize and convince myself that it is no fault of mine for I have, in ways that was observable, created that connection.

~ : ~ : ~

Slowly, as you drift apart from me, I remembered.

Exactly what you said to me and how your eyes always look straight into mine.

I pictured us, our future. A tear.

An endless journey.

I hold on to these, my heart unwilling to let go,

the memories seaping out, dissolving.

You were there once,

but no longer here.

It was finally time to move on.

And then it did.

~ : ~ : ~

Nonetheless I will not lie and redeem myself from this uphill task, which although manageable by my standards, still provided avenues of relapse. It was not a simple problem that had apparent solutions, that no wrecking of the brain was needed. It was but anything near that. Those moments were permanently locked. The memories had created themselves a niche, such as I was not in any power to remove them.

It seemed that the impact was hugely influential for I have never sought something as much as that. In a way, I am blissfully glad it happened for it carries with it the aura of beauty, where not just anyone could simply attain. It was special to be direct, not perfect but close. Words plainly lack the faculty and adeptness of interpreting those times. They were just there to be cherished; no more explanation is needed, to be so easily appreciated and ironically so challenging to fathom.

~ : ~ : ~

Do you believe in fate?

I do.

neogobion is currently loving life as it is (:

A new start for a new beginning

2007-09-19T14:08:27Z

My title sounds redundant doesnt it?
haha..

but anyway, i jus feel like starting afresh so here it is..:)

yay! hopefully with this comes more posts but i highly doubt that
myself..hehe..

thats all for now..i'll post something up soon..

oyasuminasai!

My mother told me not to talk to strangers, I don't talk to myself anymore.